IS THE WORST GAME EVER.

Tonight after meeting my parents for dinner I took Avery to Kohl’s so that I could try on some dress pants. Thanks to my new job I am now required to make an effort in regards to my appearance. Since I live in jeans I had to get some dress pants. I hate dress pants. They are not made for people. They are high-waisted and wide-legged and unflattering in every way. So far I have three pairs of pants and after losing fifteen pounds one of them is now too big.

So back to Kohl’s. I grabbed every style of pant they had. I was going to find something OR ELSE! Avery hates going shopping with me because I won’t let her run around like a wild animal at the zoo. She sat in the stroller for exactly no seconds. As we wandered through the misses department she stayed close to me but every now and again she would run off and I’d abandon the stroller to chase her down. It’s hilarious. No, really. Okay, no. It’s scary. She doesn’t understand that there are creeps out there who want to kidnap children and they are all lurking inside of the Frisco Kohl’s.

After rounding up one of every kind of dress pants we went into the fitting room. Thanks to some bitch who doesn’t have a wheelchair or a stroller the large fitting room was occupied so we squeezed into a smaller room. Avery climbed all over the stroller and kept opening the door so that everyone could see me in my skivvies. Awesome. I put her in time-out which was the triangle-shaped seat in the corner. After a minute of that torture I gave her permission to move about the tiny fitting room. She wasn’t having it. She wanted freedom. After tossing a belt I tried on under the door she went after it and slithered under the door. I barked at her to GET THE FUCK BACK HERE RIGHT NOW. I snatched her up and told her to stay put. She’s a shitty listener. During all of this annoying toddler wrangling I managed to try on some clothes. As I was taking off a dress that made me look pregnant it happened. She bolted.

I get the dress off and she’s gone. GONE. I quickly grab my pants and slide them on as I run out of the fitting room yelling ‘AVERY!’ At this point I was freaking the fuck out. I couldn’t breathe. I did a quick scan of the area outside of the fitting rooms and couldn’t see or hear her. My worst nightmare was coming true. I had lost my baby.

A woman saw me and pointed to the rack she was standing in front of and whispered, “She’s in there.” I bent down and saw her sock-clad feet and I could breathe again. Not wanting to yell at her I gave myself a second to calm down before I snatched her from the rack. She laughed and I hugged her close to me while saying firmly, “Don’t you EVER do that again.” We went back into the fitting room where I made her sit in time-out again.

It was all I could do to keep from crying. I wanted to scream at her; I wanted her to be just as afraid of strangers as I am.

Giving up on trying on clothes, we left the store. As I loaded her into the car she started to whine and I wanted to yell at her, “Haven’t you put me through enough tonight?” Instead I shushed her and gave her the iPod. I knew that I handled the situation well and didn’t explode but it was so hard for me to keep it inside. As I folded up the stroller my new cell phone fell out of the tray on the stroller and hit the ground. Seriously, kick me when I’m down. Please. Go ahead. I’ll even bend over.

The screen was cracked. At this point I’m LIVID. Now I wanted to yell at Avery for causing me to be so shaken up that I dropped my phone and will have to pay over $100 to replace it.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

Fuck the phone. My baby could have been kidnapped. All the way home I stewed. I marinaded in my fear and anger. Once we got home I asked her to clean up some little toys that she left on the floor before going to daycare this afternoon and she said no. Several times she repeated the word until it had lost all meaning and then I lost it. I screamed at her to go to time-out. I didn’t want to lash out at her. I hated myself for yelling at her. I was so upset at what could have happened that I couldn’t control my emotions. She stayed in time out for several minutes while I told her how dangerous her behavior was. I knew that she didn’t understand but it wasn’t for her. I needed to vent. At this point I had stopped yelling and was talking sort of calmly to her. I released her from time-out and asked her to pick up her toys. She obeyed.

Now why can’t she just do what I ask the first time?

I am grateful that nothing bad happened to her. This phase is certainly one that I will be happy to see get the fuck out of our lives.